Cubanate - Skeletal video free download

D-SquiggleWiggles

So intense, I love it!

MrCactusWiZaRd

Thank god I don't have this tune on any cd... People could be in danger because this tune makes me wanna drive... Fast.

werteroie

Give me your blood, give me your sweat, give me everything you got.

James Desborough

I don't really have a personal blog any more. All of my blogs have an emphasis (games, writing, atheism/activism) so you'll have to suffer my splurge here and I'll link to it from elsewhere and - unlike my normal fuckbrain posts, leave it public.I've been grinding along the bottom for about a month now I guess, maybe longer. Since the last Reading gaming meet which is usually about a month to a month and a half. I wasn't well enough to even go that time (brain issues) and I haven't really felt any better than that since.I made myself go this time though but maybe that was a mistake. I feel like I've lost my 'gaming mojo' when it comes to playing and GMing. There's some sort of interference between my brain and my mouth that stops the descriptions, vistas and intensity coming across. I like to paint pictures and scenes with my descriptions and that's ruined by the 'um, er' factor.I know some of it is down to the drugs I take to keep me relatively sane. They blunt creativity but it seems particularly hard for me to overcome through spoken world, whereas its not horribly mangled when I'm writing.I didn't have as much chance or energy to prepare for the game as I would have liked either and 4e is NOT suited to an improvisational GM. I over-estimated my ability and familiarity with the rules-set that made things clumsy. I also amped up the political side which 4e isn't really suited to and the pitched battle I ran didn't feel engaging enough - even though the effects were. I also failed in my job as a GM to incorporate a late-arriving player into the action.I probably shouldn't have gone out this weekend. I didn't get sick but the game I ran was definitely sub par and between the drugs and my other problems I find it very hard to focus and pay attention even when playing a game - which is an insult to the person running it (sorry Doc).Its been a hard time lately anyway what with the less than stellar reaction to my appointment at Chronicle City and my mum's cat having to be put down. I guess I should cut myself more slack than I am. Everyone said they had fun and enjoyed the game even though fuckbrain dismisses those comments out of hand as people being polite and being your friends rather than telling the truth.I am very, very down and I have no reason to be. Nothing I can do to make it better. It is exhausting just going from day to day and holding it in so as not to upset or worry people.I made a conscious decision to be more open about myself, to share myself, not just the depression but in terms of everything and it turns out quite a lot of people - informed or not - don't like the real me. So much for CBT.I can't coherently describe what's wrong because there is nothing particularly wrong per se. The thing I love - gaming - I can't do to my satisfaction. Everything is so hard to do and takes so much willpower and effort to overcome inertia of doubt and exhaustion and huge swathes of people hate me for reasons that aren't true and that I can't correct. I feel like my relatively wonderful brain is trapped in the stumbling body of an inarticulate, tongue-tied idiot.I try so hard to be one of the good guys and it doesn't seem to stick. That's pretty soul crushing as well. I know J Random Fuckwit on the internet shouldn't matter to me but they do (unless they're trolls). I go out of my way to support and look after people I hardly even know and yet fuckbrain won't even let me acknowledge the support system of friends and family that I have in place that look after me and when it does acknowledge it, it just whispers how much a burden and a worry you are.All that effort I put into getting the house tidy and feeling good about it is being eroded day by day, room by room as I don't have the energy to maintain it.Every project feels like it's going shit. I feel like I'm more of a problem than a gain for Chronicle City and Angus. I second guess every single decision, comment or action that I make and that's also exhausting me.I need to be 'mothered' and looked after for a bit and there's no way for that to happen. It's also phenomenally selfish.I'm rambling, but maybe getting it out will make me feel better even if it also makes me vulnerable and weak.

IGTINOF

Old racing memories :)

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